GENERAL:I'm very good at integral and differential calculus;
I know the scientific names of beings animalculous:
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
ALL: In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.

GENERAL:I know our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's;
I answer hard acrostics, I've a pretty taste for paradox,
I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus,
In conics I can floor peculiarities parabolous;
I can tell undoubted Raphaels from Gerard Dows and Zoffanies,
I know the croaking chorus from The Frogs of Aristophanes!
Then I can hum a fugue of which I've heard the music's din afore,
And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore.
ALL: And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore.
And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore.
And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore.

GENERAL:Then I can write a washing bill in Babylonic cuneiform,
And tell you ev'ry detail of Caractacus's uniform:
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
ALL: In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.

GENERAL:In fact, when I know what is meant by "mamelon" and "ravelin",
When I can tell at sight a Mauser rifle from a javelin,
When such affairs as sorties and surprises I'm more wary at,
And when I know precisely what is meant by "commissariat",
When I have learnt what progress has been made in modern gunnery,
When I know more of tactics than a novice in a nunnery—
In short, when I've a smattering of elemental strategy—
You'll say a better Major-General has never sat a gee.
ALL: You'll say a better Major-General has never sat a gee.
You'll say a better Major-General has never sat a gee.
You'll say a better Major-General has never sat a gee.

GENERAL:For my military knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury,
Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century;
But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
ALL: But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
He is the very model of a modern Major-General.

This is arguably the best, and it is certainly the most famous of all of Gilbert and Sullivan's patter songs. It is full of tongue-twisters and goes at a very fast pace so it is the most difficult of these to sing. It is also one of the most replete with obscure and made-up phrases to which there are notes below.

Modern Major General: This is a sad but true comment on the incompetent British military officers of the latter part of the nineteenth century. The Duke of Wellington was the last truly accomplished British officer of that century. He led the British during the Peninsula Wars in Spain (1808-1814), and defeated Napoleon at Waterloo (1813). From then on, the officers may have been elite and often well-educated but they were clueless about the science of warfare. Major-General Stanley is indeed the epitome of this class of General. Sir Joseph Porter in Pinafore is another example. Noble, and probably university educated, they know nothing of military things. (NOTE: General is pronounced GIN er al to rhyme with mineral.

Marathon, Waterloo: The Battle of Marathon (490 BCE) was between Athens and Persia. According to the semi-legendary history, Pheidippides, a Greek messenger was sent from the battlefield of Marathon to Athens to announce that the Persians had been defeated in the Battle of Marathon. He ran the full distance without stopping, and delivered the news before collapsing and dying. The modern marathon race is patterned after this run. Waterloo in Belgium was the site of Napoleon's final defeat. See above.

Quadratical: This is a made-up use of the word. Gilbert is speaking of a quadratic equation, one with squared term, not the plane four-sided figure.

Binomial theorem: A formula for writing out in detail (expanding) a binomial of to any power.

Hypotenuse: The long side (c) of a right triangle, the one opposite the 90 degree angle. Thus the square of the hypotenuse c times c.

Integral and differential calculus: Now a subject studied in college or advanced high school mathematics classes. It deals with things that are changing. Differential calculus is the study of change. As as simple example if you have a fornula for the distance (s) of an object goes at different times (t), the derivative shows the velocity at any given instance. for a falling object these formulas are:

 Integral calculus is a way of summing up. This is complicated to explain in a few sentences:but the basic formula is shown here.

Animalculous: An animalcule is a minute animal such as an amoeba or paramecium. Gilbert made a change in the word to rhyme with calculus.

Sir Caradoc's: He was one of the Knights of King Arthur's Round Table.

Acrostics: A poem in which the first letters on each line, read downward make a word. It is also a parlor game like Charades in which teams act out several phrases, the first letters of which create a word.

Paradox: A situation or statement which seems to contradict itself, something which appears true but is false or vice-versa. For example Frederic has had only five birthdays even though he has lived for twenty-one years. For more on this see Birthday Paradox.

Elegiacs: These are poems which have alternating lines of five and six feet. It is a Greek form seldom found in English.

Heliogabalus: He was a Syrian priest (204-222) who was made a Roman Emperor and was known for his debauchery.

Conics: If a cone is sliced parallel to its base, the cross section is a circle. If at a slight angle but cutting both sides, it produces an ellipse, and if at an angle which cuts one side and then through the bottom, the result is a parabola. If it is cut perpendicular to the base it is a hyperbola. Conics is the mathematical field which studies these curves.

Parabolous: Major Stanley can solve problems involving parabolas. Gilbert made up the adjective.

Raphaels: Paintings by the one of the greatest Italian artists of all time, Raffaello Sanzio..

Gerard Dows: A Dutch artist (1613-1675) who had studied with Rembrandt.

Zoffanies: A German painter (1725-1810) who painted many portraits of English people.

Frogs of Aristophanes: Aristophanes was an ancient Greek poet and playwright writing at least fifty-four comedies. Among these is The Frogs which opened in Athens in 405 BCE. The chorus actually makes noises which imitate the croaking frogs. Transscribed from the Greek it is something like "brek-ek-ek-ek coax". A similar sound was used by the Yale rowing team and Cole Porter used it in his Out of This World.

Fugue: A musical piece in which one instrument or voice starts a theme and others join in at various points. A very simple example is "Row, row, row your boat". It would be rather difficult for one person to hum a fugue.

Pinafore: The Gilbert and Sullivan opera which appeared just before Pirates.

Babylonic cuneiform: A system of writing from ancient Babylon in which the characters are made up of shapes made by the triangular end of a stick.

Caractacus: He was an early British leader who fought the Romans in the first century CE. He would not have worn anything resembling the modern concept of a uniform. In fact, he probably wore nothing except a neck ornament.

Mamelon: A mamelon is a raised round mound used in fortifications. A revelin is part of the outer fortifications. Stanley did not really understand either one.

Mauser rifle: An early type of rifle. The fact that Stanley could tell it from a javelin is not much of a recommendation but javelin rhymes with revelin, or vice-versa.

Commissariat: The military branch which oversees food and other supplies

Tactics than a novice in a nunnery: She would know nothing of military tactics so this is not much of an accomplishment. If he ever learns some elementary strategy, he might make a real general.

Sat a gee: "Gee" is a command given to plow animals to get them to move. "Gee-gee" became a synonym for a child's hobby horse. A Major-General sitting on one is rather a ridiculous picture.

Beginning of the century: Pirates is set about 1879. a long time after the beginning of the century and during this time there were many wars. What minuscule knowledge the General had was completely out of date.

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Revised March 2010
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